Penishead and the Other One
by Happy Dickfart
Summary: Breaking up is hard, but sometimes it's for the best.


Dickfart 19:27

 _I wish I found some better sounds no one's ever heard_

 _I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words_

 _I wish I found some chords in an order that is new_

 _I wish I didn't have to rhyme every time I sang_

Long, long ago, well before the universe existed, Arceus, all powerful, took a shit out of his/her/zir vagipenalrectum, and thus were born Adam and Eve, more commonly known as Aron and Eevee. These two Pokemon battled and fucked fiercely, spreading a billion Eevees into the world that could evolve into anything. That's right, every Pokemon may have been created in the image of Arceus, but it was Aron and Eevee from which every known Pokemon is descended.

Arceus created his children in a passive-aggressive plot of revenge. You see, his upstairs neighbors Palkia and zir bae Dialga were fighting, fucking, and alternated from speaking in roars, or tongues, or Spanish soap opera language. It was all very annoying.

Now if that wasn't bad enough, Arceus had visuals to go with all that noise. One night homeboy come in with some muthafuckin pizza, but stumbled upon some weird sci-fi alien bullcrap. Dialga have tentacles come out of its ears dangling them from the ceiling mostly, but used its free ones to stroke their nipples. Palkia had its dick head shoved deep into Diagla's gaping vag hole. Arceus dropped the pizza and ran the fuck away. Pokemon never had sex. This was a sin and an abomination, and Arceus would put an end to it no matter what.

 _I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink_

 _But now I'm insecure and I care what people think_

 _My name's Blurryface and I care what you think_

 _My name's Blurryface and I care what you think_

Thus the Pokemon world was born. Some 13 point something million years later, Palkia and Bae-alga was just chillin', then the door fookin' rings, and you know who it is?

"Hello, Rude-shaped Head and the Other Thing," said Mewtwo.

"Oh, it's you," said Palkia. "Da fuhk do you want?"

"I am Matthew, formerly Mewtwo. I have adopted a Christian name now, and rightfully so. I have come straight from the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses to spread the word of our lord and savior Jesus Christ."

"You sound like a right cunt," said Dialga, in a neutral Australian way. Matthew took offense to that, though.

"Dear me, if you don't clean up your language young lady then you'll be sent straight to hell!"

"You're the 800th Pokemon to come to our door and say that. And, for the last time, Bae's pronouns are ZE and ZIR. Fucking get it right! Get the fuck out! Fuck you! I hope a Jigglypuff flies up your ass and pops!" And Palkia slammed the door in Matthew's face.

"We could scare them away with rowdy, howdy cowboy sex. What do you say, partner?"

"Nah, Bae, I'm just not in the mood," Palkia sighed, a goopy white tear sliding down the middle of its dick face. "I'm just gonna go to bed."

 _Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days_

 _When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out_

 _Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days_

 _When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out_

It went on like that for weeks. The two legendary monsters shared the same bed, but it was like they were on two different planets regardless. Palkia would take it rubber fedora and its briefcase and go to work for fourteen hours, and Dialga would be at home knitting Rainbow Dash plushies and writing Sailor Moon porn. There was a time that ze went to community college, but ze dropped out mid-semester because of a very triggering class calling Microeconomics.

These two had the oldest relationship ever recorded on facebook. A whopping 16.6 billion years. All that time they were in a relationship. After yet another night of crying deep into zir favorite Johnny Depp blanket, Dialga logged onto facebook and changed zir relationship to "it's complicated."

 _Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young_

 _How come I'm never able to identify where it's coming from_

 _I'd make a candle out of it if I ever found it_

 _Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I'd probably only sell one_

"Bae-alga! My facebook gettin' blowed up. What the fuck is this "it's complicated" shit?"

"I'm sorry, Palkia," said Diagla, a crystalline tear running down zir face. "You never pay attention to me anymore. I was in it for the long haul, but you're not tending to my needs, or my feelings. We can't be together anymore." And just like that, Dialga ran away.

"Noooooooooo!" said Palkia, falling to its knees in despair. "Why does God hate me?"

"Because you're a shitty neighbor!" said Arceus out the window.

"Oh yeah, nigga? Why don't you waltz your white ass out here and say that to my face?" Palkia belched.

"Oh, I will," said Arceus, and he showed up at the door in a flash. "Hello, Palkia. You mad, bro?"

"THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WALKED OUT ON ME BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR STUPID UNIVERSE FULL OF JAHOVA'S WITNESSES!" said Palkia.

"Is there a problem here?" said Darkrai, wearing a police uniform.

"THIS GUY RUINED MY LIFE! I'LL KILL HIM!" said Palkia, charging up its laser. It was so mad that it was knocked the fuck out by Darkrai's Dark Void attack.

"I'll be taking this one in for questioning. Good day, sir," said Darkrai, carting Palkia out of the apartment complex.

"Thank Me cops never think to question white Pokemon," said Arceus, lighting up a joint in this bitch.

 _It'd be to my brother, 'cause we have the same nose_

 _Same clothes homegrown a stone's throw from a creek we used to roam_

 _But it would remind us of when nothing really mattered_

 _Out of student loans and tree-house homes we all would take the latter_

After forty-eight hours of rotting in jail, the warden who was a Beedrill came to inform Palkia that a loved one had posted bail and he was free to go.

"It must have been Dialga," said Palkia, many goopy white tears shooting every which way. "Bae still loves me."

 _My name's Blurryface and I care what you think_

 _My name's Blurryface and I care what you think_

But it was mistaken. When Palkia got out of jail it decided it wanted to go Burger King and get a whopper. Perfectly reasonable when you consider all that it's been through. However, when Palkia ordered its whopper, it had come to learn that Mac N Cheetos was no longer on the menu, so it punched a hole in time so it could go back to when it fucking WAS on the menu; however, that was only six months in the past, and what Palkia found was devastating.

There was Dialga, in broad daylight, letting Giratina feel up zir mini tiddy. The bastard was also feeding zir frenchfries.

"I used to feed you frenchfries, Bae."

"Sir, what'll it be. I haven't got all day," said Lucario.

"What's the point of living?" said Palkia with a sigh.

"Well, for me, I have a pregnant Gardevoir at home, and this asshole Muk named Tyler won't stop blowing up her phone. Can you believe that?"

"Uh huh," said Palkia, too old and too crotchety for this shit. "Look, just get me an order of twenty Mac n Cheetos. TO GO."

 _Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days_

 _When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out_

 _Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days_

 _When our momma sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out_

Palkia went home to the timeline it was accustomed to with all its Mac n Cheetos and binge watched The O.C. on DVD. It cried through half its sadness and gluttony, and after becoming sticky, Cheetos-encrusted, and going to the bathroom on itself, season two finally ended, and in its catatonic state Palkia sang along, " _Mm, what'd you say? Mm, that you only meant well Well of course you did. Mm, what'd you say? Mm, that it's all for the best. Of course it is. Mm, what'd you say? Mm, that it's just what we need. You decided this Mm, what'd you say? Mm, what did she say?_ "

Then a knock came to the door.

 _Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny_

 _We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money_

 _Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny_

 _We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money_

 _We used to play pretend, give each other different names_

 _We would build a rocket ship and then we'd fly it far away_

 _Used to dream of outer space but now they're laughing at our face_

"Dialga?"

"Oh Palkia," ze crai'd, throwing zirself into Palkia's tiny arms. "Please take me back. I'm sorry."

"Not today, bitch," said Palkia, shooting zir with a pokegun.

"But why?" said Dialga. "It's not natural for Pokemon to be together 16 bajillion years anyway. You just weren't exciting anymore, and you weren't even trying."

"YOU BROKE MY HEART."

"Oh, Palkia," said Dialga. "Pokemon don't even have hearts.

"Besides, I am not Dialga anymore. My name is Magdalene, my new Christian name. I have come straight from the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses to spread the word of our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Also, my pronouns are "she" and "her" now."

"You bitch," said Palkia, slamming the door in Magdalene's face.

They were bitter enemies since.

 _Saying, "Wake up, you need to make money"_

 _Yeah_

The End

The song is Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots. Listen to it for hours and hours like I had to.


End file.
